reflecting

I didnt write in the last post that i thought i might b pregnant cuz of the possibility of me being wrong, which well i was wrong. The thing about this time of me thinking i might be pregnant is that i REALLY thought i knew deep down that i was, everything in my mind was telling me i was, my body felt like i was but all i was doing was convincing myself that i was, or rather playing with the idea that i actually might be, all it was this time was play. I think i felt mostly that i was bcuz my boobs were extra tender and swolen and the only other time they felt that way was when i was pregnant well until now that is. I was watching “the time travelers wife” with Rachel Mcadams and i thought to myself how would it be if i time traveled, if i could see myself in the future and if i could know if i ever do end up having children. This time kinda crushed my heart almost close to as much as when i lost the baby. I’m on my third beer in the past 2 hours, jus sippin on anything to help me get by. I think to myself how it would be like if i ended up never having children, how will life be like then, when im older n get to a point that it becomes official, will i be with nick still and if so, is it fair for him to have to endure such pain becuz of my body, if i wouldnt wish this pain not even on my worst enemy y would i be ok with someone thats closest to me that im in love with being trapped in it bcuz of me. I wish i would know now if i dont ever have children that way i can make the choice for nick and me to split for his sake, he may not be the perfect man but he is far from deserving to never have children of his own. I hear alot from others, friends and family, that it will happen i just have to be patient and stay positive but the thing with that is that i have to consider tha fact its very possible for me in my circumstances to not be able to have children and its best that i come to terms with it best i know now, by mentally preparing myself for the worst.There was a line in the movie that Rachael McAdams said after she kept losing their baby cuz of the time traveling, she said “can i just have one normal thing for once happen in my life?” and it struck a nerve cuz dats what having children with a healthy relationship with a good man as the father would be for me, something normal for once in my life, dats all i have been chasing my whole life, something normal, something that comes so easy to most people that jus seems inevitable for my family. Now that I think of it, theres no one in my immediate close family that has that, a mother and father still happily married with their biological kids. Damn i really believed i was pregnant this time, i feel so rediculously stupid, i was googling like crazy bout preg. symptoms, feeling a little whole and nervous like i already got the positive on the tests. My heart ….hurts. I just naturally without choice and i truely mean without, to completely ignore my true feelings, my real pain on this cuz its my way of dealing and coping. It kills me cuz i have really honestly lived my life around that concept of making it an unspoken unwritten mission to get that piece of my life back if there was anything i can do about it so i did by dedicating my life to finding that perfect father figure in the men i love and making it work to start a family and start my new life of mother, father, children and grow old to that life in peace but theres a glitch into that dream and its…me and theres not much i can do about it that im not willing and have tried, i did IUI 3 times, gone to multiple doctors and appt. to find the problem and my last possible choices is to either let science intervene and try it out with invitro or hope for the best in the natural way and pray. Nick told me the morning i took the second negative preg. test as soon as i got back into bed from taking it that he had a dream that i was walking funny cuz i was pregnant and i was rubbing some type of lotion on my belly. He wants to have children just as bad as i do and a small part of me knows its for the same reasons, he didnt have that happy home upbringing himself. It breaks my heart knowing this cuz not only cant i get this dream to become a reality for myself but im preventing it for someone im in love with just by being with him. Joel’s girl is pregnant again, she a good few months now and wendys pregnant, funny how shyt happens around u in life as u are going through ur own pain and issues. I never imagined when i was little that the hurt of my childhood would follow me to adulthood and i have absolutely no control over it, no say. I dedicate myself to these relationships for these reasons and it just might be all for no reason, i might never end up getting that regardless of what i do so my second thought and fear is, will i regret not enjoying the only true enjoyment imma have in my life which is youth. People, they grow old and getting married and accept dedicating themselves with the hopes of growing old with that person with children and grand children and that helps to accept or rather enjoy the passing years, well how do u get by without all of that? I’d rather endure this pain on my own then to put someone else through it. It’s almost like choosing someone to have a handicap with you for the rest of your lives, a life changing permanent handicap, by knowingly being with someone who wants children badly to stay with your difficult child bareing self. I could see the look in his face everytime he’s around jasmine and it breaks my heart. I just wanna know, when does it stop? when does the hard life of bad luck just stop for me? My biological mother gave me up for a VCR, she did crack while pregnant with me, my biological father was a druggy who ends up getting beaten to death for drugs when i was 3, the only father i knew as my father growing up as a child ends up getting locked up and put on death row for murder, i was malested as a child, my mother end up dieng when i was 19 before i ever get to meet her, i go through a divorce in my early 20′s and now i cant put all that in my past with starting my own family cuz i cant have one of my own that simple or maybe not at all. 3rd beer done, now time for piff. How do i still go on with out wanting to kill myself like most people would in my shoes? well maybe its that little bit of hope i have in the possibility of being able to have children one day. So my question is, how will i react in da moment i know i can never officially have children of my own? will i break down? will i continue to strive on in life for…..life? If not live on through what you leave behind in your offspring then what do u live on for? ok nick got home, bye.

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