Still learning bout me…

I forget sometimes that the trials and tribulations I faced since day one is nothing close to a normal healthy lifestyle and that yes it is not easy to take it in so easily. Im just trying to figure out wats goin on wit myself. Just write and it will all come to me right? Wrong! i been having trouble doin much of anything lately and apparently according to my therapist, I have Adjustment Depression Disorder.. Explains alot once googled. I dont even really know wat to talk bout anymore, just feels like wats da point at the end of the day im still gonna be the same until well either I DO give birth to my own child or it becomes official of me not being able to have kids, i know dats all i talk about but its all that matters to me, sometimes it feels like the world jus dont matter if i dont have kids and i have to remind myself that it does, with going out or ‘doin music videos’, or anything to help me remember that there is more to life then jus having a family but dat jus dont make sense even saying it out loud, how would anything be more important in life then reproducing life? Im just still stuck in this in between black hole i cant get out of. I think im afraid to think positive cu i jus dont wanna get hurt again. I semi let go of the whole infertility deal and got pregnant then lost it through ectopic, what if next time its a miscarriage, and then again and again, im not so sure if im strong enough to deal with that, then i ask myself how bad do u really want to have a family? bad enough to go through hell and back more then once? (moment to pause). Yes i would, will it get me to what i really want, a family? maybe not but thats apart of the risk. its really exhausting dealing with all the heartach my life entails, takes alot of energy out of me. So, wendy is pregnant, not sure if i already mentioned dat but its official, i guess, she posted it to facebook and i get to enjoy the view of pregnancy from the front row side lines. Dont think im ready for the baby shower, baby talk, baby lifestyle imma be surrounded by now dat i have another niece/nephew on the way. i get this crawling up my spine shiver feel resulting in me fighting against the pain im feeling towards God’s blessing because it wasnt for me, selfish huh? yep but i cant help it, trust i am doing ALLLL dat i can to fight it; smoking, drinking, partying, livin life best i can, even therapy but seems like nothings really gonna help, jus gotta get past it best i know, ignore the feelings, suck it up and keep it goin. Although i been antisocial to those i shouldnt but i just havent been wanting to do anything or talk to no one, a symptom of Adjustment depression disorder. At this very moment i got a very talented poet who can take me places reading me one of his poems over the phone n i have NO interest though i want to but i just dont care enough cuz it feels like to much work to write let alone care. All i wanna do is tell him ‘hey i really dont give a fuck and am ignorein u right now’ lol not really funny though / Im angry, im pist at my past, at my present cuz of my past and im jus tired of it. When i smoke it dont hurt as bad n when i drink it hurts even less so dats wat i do. I dont think im really good at dealing with pain and shyt, well not for 25 yrs…imma be 25 in 54 days so pretty much 2 months, not dat im counting cuz im really not looking forward to it being that i know im not gonna reach my diet goal and well dat sux.

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