Piecing the pieces together, what little pieces i have….

Therapy’s on thursday but kinda need it to be like tomorrow, if it even will help. This happened with the other 3 therapist i tried through the navy, i go like 2-3 times and jus feel like its a waste of time and then quit, getting those same feelings again and i only gone once. So Joel sent me a message on Facebook dedicating me a song by Janelle Monae called ‘O Maker’, it it a pretty song but seems like he jus cant get past us not being together, well anyways i think his girl saw it cuz he is no longer on Facebook at all lol but not really, it sux cuz they have a kid on the way smdh yet another small smack in my face. It’s weird how things like irony happen so often to me, for example, i have infertility issues and have my goal in life to have a family then i got my mans new born niece living next door to me when i lost possibly the closest chance to having that dream come true. Well nicks grandma apparently been wanting to see the her ‘grandbaby’ and cuz nicks sis in law is irrisponsible, she got this baby but no transportation so wat happens? i get used as a taxi so this grandmother can see her grandbaby and i get paid in return with a meal and a beer and a torturous nite of having a front row seat to wat i cant have. Ever since this babys been borning its like the status of my importance has clearly been drawn out in the sand with my infertile uterus. I shake my head almost everyday to very similar ironic situations and it jus makes me laugh and think, i gotta be seen as one strong ass individual from someone upstairs for my unfortunate situations i seem to go through with out end. Latest unfortunate moment for this decade??? My biological father might not be ..my father which means my family i grew up may not be related to me at all. I should be doin my very past due h.w. and working out but i just have no motivation to do any of it, between my infertility, past i already knew and past im learning, i just cant push enough to focus. Is it weak to not ignore it all? or is it strong? am i dwelling? am i self pitying? am i doing the right thing looking into it? Every time i say it out loud to anyone its like they all shushing me really loud, should i stay quiet? I feel really lonely. No, wat im really feeling is anger, im pist the fuck off! y am i still finding shyt out at age 24 going on 25, im tired of this stupid shyt! i wanted to name my child after him. no ones hearing me, they listen but they dont hear. Just feels like a continuous circle. I guess all i want is some achknowledgment that dis is some crazy fucking shyt to be going through!!! I didnt go looking fir this shyt, its not like i woke up one day and was like , hey lets see wat else is fucked up in my family, it was a secret i knew deep inside dat finally surfaced for me to notice. damn it, i think a small piece of me was hopin for joey to say there’s no question about it, he is my father, only if that was the truth but it wasnt so i appreciate the honesty for wat it is, only took 25 yr.s for me to know. Im tired, fuck it wat else is there really to say? damn it im fucking pist……..