Therapy

SO I’m leaving in 15 min. to go see my therapist, yes therapist. Im trying everything possible to help myself. I never really thought bout it b4 to this extent but i seriously think something might be wrong with the way i think compared to others, does it have a neg. impact on me as a person? i dont know. This halloween passed and it was the WORST halloween i ever had n i had it in the navy! I finally got to spend it with my niece and nephew but bcuz i took nick away from his lil bro dat we spent the past two yr. dedicating our halloweens to him the nite was ruined, nick was being grumpy and negative and it showed all over his face. Im the worng one here though…? i dont even care cuz everytime i think of it, it reminds me of joel and then i get this sick feeling in my stomach. Speaking of joel, well he’s having a ‘Boy’, wat he wanted and pf course still messaging me on some “im so unhappy” shyt smGdh! So Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys and BEyonce are all pregnant, the three women that all of America’s been waiting for YEARS to get pregnant n of course these hoes do when im trying to myself. The irony that repeats itself is pretty frustrating. I see it like this… a woman who went through Kemo and a woman who is damn near 50 years old could get pregnant but i cant. Its like a blessing and a curse at the same time. I think of situations like Halloween and i ask myself, is your emotions strong enough to let something as pety as a holiday come in between u and wat u want? n i have trouble answering. What if we do get pregnant, have a child and go though shyt like dat, how will i feel then? im scared to feel trapped with a baby to a man but all i see is a baby, will i be more willing to get past such pettiness if a babys involved? i might but whats it matter now n e ways to me, i might never be able to have a baby. It hurts my heart dat wendys pregnant. If stephanie were to get pregnant again i’d freaking flip the fuck out! well time to tell these thoughts to a professional, is it weird dat i get really nervous and hesitant when its time to talk to her? damn my stomachs hurting now…….

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