Inner Body Battle

Im struggling to fight against my inner demons of hatred and anger towards others but its a complicated little self control of a lose lose situation. I think it comes down to me being defensive. I realized that I DO NOT like to be taken advantage of AT ALL and because I have such a huge heart and giving mentality mixed with a defensive side it can be disastrous, it can be threatening to my intimate relationships. So i asked nick if he would marry me right now and he said no cuz of our financial status. So the way I see it is that its either I become suddenly rich or pregnant for him to want to marry to right now and well that only makes me believe that he wont marry me cuz he’s just not sur eif im a SURE thing or wife so to say. So i really have no interest in marrying him right about now. He’s first used the excuse that I was still legally married, then his past with monica and now this shyt bout financial stability, we not white and rich, we’re middle class puerto ricans from crap ass neighborhoods that learned at an early age riches dont come easy so how is it that finance is a nessecity before marriage now?? I dont even care anymore. Well my 25TH BIRTHDAY is in a week, next monday and I have absolutely NOTHING planned. Im hitting my official “Mid-Twenties” age and i wanna celebrate it, not dread it let alone do nothing on the nite I was born exactly 25 years age, thats a a freaking “Quarter of a Century”!!!! and i will most likely be doing nothing. Nicks working but he’s calling out and said he wanted to do something but he’s on the schedule so he’s just gonna call out and was planning on celebrating it next weekend. I want to celegrate my 25th bday on my 25 bday! its been a really long ass time since i looked forward to my bday in preperations of it being a big deal of a great nite, now its like ‘ok, my bdays coming, whop-dee-do”! damn. i really wanna do something real special for my bday but i never was with n e one who thought im important enough for a bday to remember, dat includes me.