In Remembrance

Listening to my old ipod from before me meeting nick. lol damn, ciara’s old joint ‘my love’. Feels like yesterday i was pumpin this from my bedroom from the comp. while cleaning and thinking. It was my warrior music, my get me by this crazy stage of going from married to sinlge lifestyle, it was one of the hardest decisions of my life, to leavr joel, to make that step of knowing whats best for me but it was da best decision of my life. I got a chance to learn a little bout myself although i was sleepin with hatcher, luis, AJ, munoz and then nick. lol. I could see the clear daylight creeping through my window in my bright bedroom on my white sheets. It was just me and my cats and occasionally charniah. It was nice having time to myself. Does sometimes i feel like thats what i should have stuck with? yea. would i change it for what i have now? no. I didnt give myslef an opportunity to really be by myself though and i know this but nick was that, hop on the train b4 it leaves opportunity cuz i know i dont do long distance and if he would of left, i would of talked to luis and me and nick wouldnt have worked out,m the way i felt back then bout nick on him being so irrelevant, theres was no way that at the time of him getting out and going back to NY we would have lasted, i knew we wouldnt and thats y i chose to be in a relationship, i knew this was an opportunity i would regret to atleast have given a full shot. Damn never would i have thoought i’d be living in NY cuz of a man. smh crazy, fuck this music is trippin me out. lmao wow. So comming back from 2008 to 2010 lol. ok well i should be getting my period today and of course like always im hoping i dont cuz i wanna be pregnant but man, im so tired of hoping. I know its what God has plannaed for me and from my past expriences that he always does whats best for me. its still hard to go though. Hearing this ipod is really helping me though, kinda acting like a time capsule to remind me of a time when babies were the furthest thought from my mind and i was truely living life to its fullest. thats the only way i can get past the pain….enjoying life for what it is and not what i want it to be. So now here i am in NY with my love and my analee and rocky in an ok one bedroom nice area place with no career or job in more then a year and tickets up the ying yang. Yes i am a more responsible person when im on my own, i actually do well with having a relationship with myself other then the fact of the loneliness gettin to u. i dont know if i mentioned it but josies pregnant too. Gotta get back on it with working out, this holiday and my bday through me off. O i spent my 25th in miami and it was awesome and then me and nick went out to eat and he got me my faovrite cake with the candles in my fav. color! he so sweet, he paid for my miami vacation and i got myself a laptop, he was suppose to give me the money for it buttttt his truck got taken form regristration so i just left it be. its 3:30 am and i dont wanna go to sleep yet. ok imma go lay with my pookie now. get back to reality come morning when my period comes, i have a good feeling its not comming til monday at the least since i havent been working out in this past 2 weeks and this past week has been non stop stressing and eating sooo yea, not pregnant buttttt not expecting my epriod ot be on time and that sux cuz thats the only upside to my period lately is it being on time…o well nite nite.

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