PlaynJayn's Blog

A new Era

ItzM3_Josephine — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 22:46:41 +0000

Its 3 months later since I’ve written. Well here’s whats been going on. The holidays came and went, not much to say about it. Did have xmas decor up this yr. though and that was nice. I went to church to pray for our baby loss on Jan. 18th. Been going to church now for a month and I love it, aside from the money donation part since im broke and all. Nick got suspended from school cuz of his teacher and the schools crap way of handling situations. Its my school and Im over it myself. Had a nice Valentines day with nick. O and also we found out in January 14th that I’m…PREGNANT!!! ;oD yes this is true, I am! it was a rough roller coaster at first, took an at home test saying positive then went to the veterans hospital to take a blood test that said negative! which drove me crazy! so we took 8 more at home tests, diff. brands all saying positive. So with that in mind, our next worry was if it was ectopic again. In between the time of testing and finding out, we went to a bor with my sisters and i ended up getting into a fight with 3 asian chix..smdh! knowing i was preg. was so dissapointed in myself, but everything was ok afterwards. nothing but a split lip n bruised chin. Also while waiting to find out if its ectopic, nick wanted to tell his parents the good news to b happy for the fact that we actually was able to b pregnant again despite all the odds against us and of course his parents let out more of a “worried concern” then happy attitude which really let him down, which i expected. My moms reaction?? complete excitement! then worry. We then found out at 7 weeks, the longest weeks of my life!!! that it was indeed NOT ectopic, we were freaking excited, relieved and scared all at the same time. his parents reaction? worry! my moms? tears of joy! event il this day his mom stills expresses a great deal of concern and worry during our time of celebration for having a so far very blessed healthy happy 11 week 5 day pregnancy. smh! ugh! so she tells me i need to text her once a week that everything is fine with the baby…for what so she can post more comments on facebook on how i should get out and get excersize for the babys sake, or make sure im not drinking, her first comment after we told her bout the pregnancy. I dont even drink liquor, im a beer girl if that and have been waiting for this for yrs. and she sayd that?? so lets jus say she’s not on the top of my fav. people right now during my pregnancy. She’s right under my recently completely cut off older sister for her selfish preg. bull shit she pulled with me but thats jus to much to get into right now, saving for the next post. Well i also learned that pregnancy makes me a crazy lady, like my attitude and temper wasnt high enough without the spiked hormones to boot. lol but im trying hard to control it. I have learned through this pregnancy who are the fake people and whom are the genuine. To be honest my hardest times right now is while im pregnant. We’re broke, behind on rent, got no school money comming in at all from either of us cuz i took time off to diminish the amount of stress i have, another reason why I’ve isolated myself from my family, their a stress ball all on their own, ALLLL of them! called joey to say hi after months of not talking and his first words out his mouth was what i did to upset him months ago, after expressing how stressed out i been to my other sister, she wants to get upset at me for not wanting to make an hour drive out to see her in rain and traffic, smh @ dat dumb shyt, then my other brtother comes over for the weekend mootching off of me, getting him cigarettes, FREE food and liquor and he has the nerve to complain bout it!smh @ dat dumb shyt. My other sister i jus dont even bother to call cuz she jus gonna ask for money that she beleives i owe her for a couch she dont even have no more but like a bill collector imma pay her so she could jus leave me alone. Its like once u get pregnant, everyone around you gets really stupid. Both my sistersare also pregnant while i am. So my preg, is really not that important to them, which one of them made clear to me, which is y i cut her as off. But other than that i been enjoying this preg. best i can for the main fact that i been dieing for this to happen, and to receive such a blessing just make everything else irrelevant. ;o) i do miss having someone to talk to though. like amanda, my best friend but she gotta new job so she’s crazy busy. well we see the doctor on monday for our 3 mon. check up, officially done with the very risky first trimester. Thank God. Mow im anxiouse to see me little sunflower seed in the ultrasound on monday! yipee!

In Remembrance

ItzM3_Josephine — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 08:38:51 +0000

Listening to my old ipod from before me meeting nick. lol damn, ciara’s old joint ‘my love’. Feels like yesterday i was pumpin this from my bedroom from the comp. while cleaning and thinking. It was my warrior music, my get me by this crazy stage of going from married to sinlge lifestyle, it was one of the hardest decisions of my life, to leavr joel, to make that step of knowing whats best for me but it was da best decision of my life. I got a chance to learn a little bout myself although i was sleepin with hatcher, luis, AJ, munoz and then nick. lol. I could see the clear daylight creeping through my window in my bright bedroom on my white sheets. It was just me and my cats and occasionally charniah. It was nice having time to myself. Does sometimes i feel like thats what i should have stuck with? yea. would i change it for what i have now? no. I didnt give myslef an opportunity to really be by myself though and i know this but nick was that, hop on the train b4 it leaves opportunity cuz i know i dont do long distance and if he would of left, i would of talked to luis and me and nick wouldnt have worked out,m the way i felt back then bout nick on him being so irrelevant, theres was no way that at the time of him getting out and going back to NY we would have lasted, i knew we wouldnt and thats y i chose to be in a relationship, i knew this was an opportunity i would regret to atleast have given a full shot. Damn never would i have thoought i’d be living in NY cuz of a man. smh crazy, fuck this music is trippin me out. lmao wow. So comming back from 2008 to 2010 lol. ok well i should be getting my period today and of course like always im hoping i dont cuz i wanna be pregnant but man, im so tired of hoping. I know its what God has plannaed for me and from my past expriences that he always does whats best for me. its still hard to go though. Hearing this ipod is really helping me though, kinda acting like a time capsule to remind me of a time when babies were the furthest thought from my mind and i was truely living life to its fullest. thats the only way i can get past the pain….enjoying life for what it is and not what i want it to be. So now here i am in NY with my love and my analee and rocky in an ok one bedroom nice area place with no career or job in more then a year and tickets up the ying yang. Yes i am a more responsible person when im on my own, i actually do well with having a relationship with myself other then the fact of the loneliness gettin to u. i dont know if i mentioned it but josies pregnant too. Gotta get back on it with working out, this holiday and my bday through me off. O i spent my 25th in miami and it was awesome and then me and nick went out to eat and he got me my faovrite cake with the candles in my fav. color! he so sweet, he paid for my miami vacation and i got myself a laptop, he was suppose to give me the money for it buttttt his truck got taken form regristration so i just left it be. its 3:30 am and i dont wanna go to sleep yet. ok imma go lay with my pookie now. get back to reality come morning when my period comes, i have a good feeling its not comming til monday at the least since i havent been working out in this past 2 weeks and this past week has been non stop stressing and eating sooo yea, not pregnant buttttt not expecting my epriod ot be on time and that sux cuz thats the only upside to my period lately is it being on time…o well nite nite.

Inner Body Battle

ItzM3_Josephine — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 01:23:45 +0000

Im struggling to fight against my inner demons of hatred and anger towards others but its a complicated little self control of a lose lose situation. I think it comes down to me being defensive. I realized that I DO NOT like to be taken advantage of AT ALL and because I have such a huge heart and giving mentality mixed with a defensive side it can be disastrous, it can be threatening to my intimate relationships. So i asked nick if he would marry me right now and he said no cuz of our financial status. So the way I see it is that its either I become suddenly rich or pregnant for him to want to marry to right now and well that only makes me believe that he wont marry me cuz he’s just not sur eif im a SURE thing or wife so to say. So i really have no interest in marrying him right about now. He’s first used the excuse that I was still legally married, then his past with monica and now this shyt bout financial stability, we not white and rich, we’re middle class puerto ricans from crap ass neighborhoods that learned at an early age riches dont come easy so how is it that finance is a nessecity before marriage now?? I dont even care anymore. Well my 25TH BIRTHDAY is in a week, next monday and I have absolutely NOTHING planned. Im hitting my official “Mid-Twenties” age and i wanna celebrate it, not dread it let alone do nothing on the nite I was born exactly 25 years age, thats a a freaking “Quarter of a Century”!!!! and i will most likely be doing nothing. Nicks working but he’s calling out and said he wanted to do something but he’s on the schedule so he’s just gonna call out and was planning on celebrating it next weekend. I want to celegrate my 25th bday on my 25 bday! its been a really long ass time since i looked forward to my bday in preperations of it being a big deal of a great nite, now its like ‘ok, my bdays coming, whop-dee-do”! damn. i really wanna do something real special for my bday but i never was with n e one who thought im important enough for a bday to remember, dat includes me.

Back from Therapy

ItzM3_Josephine — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 23:57:39 +0000

So i went to therapy and i must admit, it wasn’t bad, it made me feel better. We talked about my pain with my infertility, my “biological” father, nick and halloween, and my sister being pregnant. She said that all my life I have been trying to put the pieces together in figuring things out in my life since my family was never open to talking and explaining things to me. She said I should be upset and my feelings are normal and to be expected. she really jus listens to let me vent my feelings out since i have no one else to talk to about certain things. When i got home though i decided to want to express a little of whats real deep inside me to nick, things i havent even told my therapist, well i started talking bout my session with Dr. Dewitt and what we talked about and he shared a little with me too, he said what i feel for jasmine is what he feels for javi cuz of the person jose is, the father he is and husband to the mother of his child. SO him being so open i decided to get a little more open with him and tell him how i really feel and my darkest thoughts you could say, well i told him that soemtimes when im around jasmine, i want to kick her across the room cuz thats how much hatred i had with the infertility, well he didnt take it very well, he told me in all seriousness that he’s not sure if he wants me to go over there anymore around her, that i took it too far and all im thinking is.. i guess i am alone in these feelings. It still dont change the fact that when i look at her, jasmine, i HATE her! i still feel that feeling of looking at her stupid down syndrome looking face, she always looks like she slow like her mother and it pisses me off. I hate when she looks at me, when she’s crying it makes my ears feel like their bleeding and it makes me want to throw her little fat chubby stupid ass str8 out the window. Will i ever act on these thoughts? NO! of course not! but man i really cant help how i feel and thoughts. It sickens me how irrisponsible her dumb ass parents are, how dependent they are on ‘ME;…can i use ur car, can i use ur phone, can i borrow some clothes, u have anythig to drink? eat? can u watch jasmine? among many other favors they want. It bothers me cuz if im down and out i dont depend on others i do all that i can to do for myself b4 expecting hand outs, these spoiled bitches make me fucking sick! im jus tired of being the responsible one, i dont like feeling needed al the fucking time from some grown ass adults dat r so stupid they cant even tend to their own child. i have this feeling in my gut that says somethig aint right and i cant shake that feeling when it comes to his family, i never even felt this way about joels family, i NEVER depended on his older brother and his wife, then again i did stay in his parents house but that was for joel, he literally made me! i never wanted to stay there jus like nicks family. So i pretty much am at square one…feeling alone and by myself in my feelings.

Therapy

ItzM3_Josephine — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 12:58:33 +0000

SO I’m leaving in 15 min. to go see my therapist, yes therapist. Im trying everything possible to help myself. I never really thought bout it b4 to this extent but i seriously think something might be wrong with the way i think compared to others, does it have a neg. impact on me as a person? i dont know. This halloween passed and it was the WORST halloween i ever had n i had it in the navy! I finally got to spend it with my niece and nephew but bcuz i took nick away from his lil bro dat we spent the past two yr. dedicating our halloweens to him the nite was ruined, nick was being grumpy and negative and it showed all over his face. Im the worng one here though…? i dont even care cuz everytime i think of it, it reminds me of joel and then i get this sick feeling in my stomach. Speaking of joel, well he’s having a ‘Boy’, wat he wanted and pf course still messaging me on some “im so unhappy” shyt smGdh! So Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys and BEyonce are all pregnant, the three women that all of America’s been waiting for YEARS to get pregnant n of course these hoes do when im trying to myself. The irony that repeats itself is pretty frustrating. I see it like this… a woman who went through Kemo and a woman who is damn near 50 years old could get pregnant but i cant. Its like a blessing and a curse at the same time. I think of situations like Halloween and i ask myself, is your emotions strong enough to let something as pety as a holiday come in between u and wat u want? n i have trouble answering. What if we do get pregnant, have a child and go though shyt like dat, how will i feel then? im scared to feel trapped with a baby to a man but all i see is a baby, will i be more willing to get past such pettiness if a babys involved? i might but whats it matter now n e ways to me, i might never be able to have a baby. It hurts my heart dat wendys pregnant. If stephanie were to get pregnant again i’d freaking flip the fuck out! well time to tell these thoughts to a professional, is it weird dat i get really nervous and hesitant when its time to talk to her? damn my stomachs hurting now…….

Piecing the pieces together, what little pieces i have….

ItzM3_Josephine — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 00:18:45 +0000

Therapy’s on thursday but kinda need it to be like tomorrow, if it even will help. This happened with the other 3 therapist i tried through the navy, i go like 2-3 times and jus feel like its a waste of time and then quit, getting those same feelings again and i only gone once. So Joel sent me a message on Facebook dedicating me a song by Janelle Monae called ‘O Maker’, it it a pretty song but seems like he jus cant get past us not being together, well anyways i think his girl saw it cuz he is no longer on Facebook at all lol but not really, it sux cuz they have a kid on the way smdh yet another small smack in my face. It’s weird how things like irony happen so often to me, for example, i have infertility issues and have my goal in life to have a family then i got my mans new born niece living next door to me when i lost possibly the closest chance to having that dream come true. Well nicks grandma apparently been wanting to see the her ‘grandbaby’ and cuz nicks sis in law is irrisponsible, she got this baby but no transportation so wat happens? i get used as a taxi so this grandmother can see her grandbaby and i get paid in return with a meal and a beer and a torturous nite of having a front row seat to wat i cant have. Ever since this babys been borning its like the status of my importance has clearly been drawn out in the sand with my infertile uterus. I shake my head almost everyday to very similar ironic situations and it jus makes me laugh and think, i gotta be seen as one strong ass individual from someone upstairs for my unfortunate situations i seem to go through with out end. Latest unfortunate moment for this decade??? My biological father might not be ..my father which means my family i grew up may not be related to me at all. I should be doin my very past due h.w. and working out but i just have no motivation to do any of it, between my infertility, past i already knew and past im learning, i just cant push enough to focus. Is it weak to not ignore it all? or is it strong? am i dwelling? am i self pitying? am i doing the right thing looking into it? Every time i say it out loud to anyone its like they all shushing me really loud, should i stay quiet? I feel really lonely. No, wat im really feeling is anger, im pist the fuck off! y am i still finding shyt out at age 24 going on 25, im tired of this stupid shyt! i wanted to name my child after him. no ones hearing me, they listen but they dont hear. Just feels like a continuous circle. I guess all i want is some achknowledgment that dis is some crazy fucking shyt to be going through!!! I didnt go looking fir this shyt, its not like i woke up one day and was like , hey lets see wat else is fucked up in my family, it was a secret i knew deep inside dat finally surfaced for me to notice. damn it, i think a small piece of me was hopin for joey to say there’s no question about it, he is my father, only if that was the truth but it wasnt so i appreciate the honesty for wat it is, only took 25 yr.s for me to know. Im tired, fuck it wat else is there really to say? damn it im fucking pist……..

Still learning bout me…

ItzM3_Josephine — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 04:36:14 +0000

I forget sometimes that the trials and tribulations I faced since day one is nothing close to a normal healthy lifestyle and that yes it is not easy to take it in so easily. Im just trying to figure out wats goin on wit myself. Just write and it will all come to me right? Wrong! i been having trouble doin much of anything lately and apparently according to my therapist, I have Adjustment Depression Disorder.. Explains alot once googled. I dont even really know wat to talk bout anymore, just feels like wats da point at the end of the day im still gonna be the same until well either I DO give birth to my own child or it becomes official of me not being able to have kids, i know dats all i talk about but its all that matters to me, sometimes it feels like the world jus dont matter if i dont have kids and i have to remind myself that it does, with going out or ‘doin music videos’, or anything to help me remember that there is more to life then jus having a family but dat jus dont make sense even saying it out loud, how would anything be more important in life then reproducing life? Im just still stuck in this in between black hole i cant get out of. I think im afraid to think positive cu i jus dont wanna get hurt again. I semi let go of the whole infertility deal and got pregnant then lost it through ectopic, what if next time its a miscarriage, and then again and again, im not so sure if im strong enough to deal with that, then i ask myself how bad do u really want to have a family? bad enough to go through hell and back more then once? (moment to pause). Yes i would, will it get me to what i really want, a family? maybe not but thats apart of the risk. its really exhausting dealing with all the heartach my life entails, takes alot of energy out of me. So, wendy is pregnant, not sure if i already mentioned dat but its official, i guess, she posted it to facebook and i get to enjoy the view of pregnancy from the front row side lines. Dont think im ready for the baby shower, baby talk, baby lifestyle imma be surrounded by now dat i have another niece/nephew on the way. i get this crawling up my spine shiver feel resulting in me fighting against the pain im feeling towards God’s blessing because it wasnt for me, selfish huh? yep but i cant help it, trust i am doing ALLLL dat i can to fight it; smoking, drinking, partying, livin life best i can, even therapy but seems like nothings really gonna help, jus gotta get past it best i know, ignore the feelings, suck it up and keep it goin. Although i been antisocial to those i shouldnt but i just havent been wanting to do anything or talk to no one, a symptom of Adjustment depression disorder. At this very moment i got a very talented poet who can take me places reading me one of his poems over the phone n i have NO interest though i want to but i just dont care enough cuz it feels like to much work to write let alone care. All i wanna do is tell him ‘hey i really dont give a fuck and am ignorein u right now’ lol not really funny though / Im angry, im pist at my past, at my present cuz of my past and im jus tired of it. When i smoke it dont hurt as bad n when i drink it hurts even less so dats wat i do. I dont think im really good at dealing with pain and shyt, well not for 25 yrs…imma be 25 in 54 days so pretty much 2 months, not dat im counting cuz im really not looking forward to it being that i know im not gonna reach my diet goal and well dat sux.

reflecting

ItzM3_Josephine — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 03:16:26 +0000

I didnt write in the last post that i thought i might b pregnant cuz of the possibility of me being wrong, which well i was wrong. The thing about this time of me thinking i might be pregnant is that i REALLY thought i knew deep down that i was, everything in my mind was telling me i was, my body felt like i was but all i was doing was convincing myself that i was, or rather playing with the idea that i actually might be, all it was this time was play. I think i felt mostly that i was bcuz my boobs were extra tender and swolen and the only other time they felt that way was when i was pregnant well until now that is. I was watching “the time travelers wife” with Rachel Mcadams and i thought to myself how would it be if i time traveled, if i could see myself in the future and if i could know if i ever do end up having children. This time kinda crushed my heart almost close to as much as when i lost the baby. I’m on my third beer in the past 2 hours, jus sippin on anything to help me get by. I think to myself how it would be like if i ended up never having children, how will life be like then, when im older n get to a point that it becomes official, will i be with nick still and if so, is it fair for him to have to endure such pain becuz of my body, if i wouldnt wish this pain not even on my worst enemy y would i be ok with someone thats closest to me that im in love with being trapped in it bcuz of me. I wish i would know now if i dont ever have children that way i can make the choice for nick and me to split for his sake, he may not be the perfect man but he is far from deserving to never have children of his own. I hear alot from others, friends and family, that it will happen i just have to be patient and stay positive but the thing with that is that i have to consider tha fact its very possible for me in my circumstances to not be able to have children and its best that i come to terms with it best i know now, by mentally preparing myself for the worst.There was a line in the movie that Rachael McAdams said after she kept losing their baby cuz of the time traveling, she said “can i just have one normal thing for once happen in my life?” and it struck a nerve cuz dats what having children with a healthy relationship with a good man as the father would be for me, something normal for once in my life, dats all i have been chasing my whole life, something normal, something that comes so easy to most people that jus seems inevitable for my family. Now that I think of it, theres no one in my immediate close family that has that, a mother and father still happily married with their biological kids. Damn i really believed i was pregnant this time, i feel so rediculously stupid, i was googling like crazy bout preg. symptoms, feeling a little whole and nervous like i already got the positive on the tests. My heart ….hurts. I just naturally without choice and i truely mean without, to completely ignore my true feelings, my real pain on this cuz its my way of dealing and coping. It kills me cuz i have really honestly lived my life around that concept of making it an unspoken unwritten mission to get that piece of my life back if there was anything i can do about it so i did by dedicating my life to finding that perfect father figure in the men i love and making it work to start a family and start my new life of mother, father, children and grow old to that life in peace but theres a glitch into that dream and its…me and theres not much i can do about it that im not willing and have tried, i did IUI 3 times, gone to multiple doctors and appt. to find the problem and my last possible choices is to either let science intervene and try it out with invitro or hope for the best in the natural way and pray. Nick told me the morning i took the second negative preg. test as soon as i got back into bed from taking it that he had a dream that i was walking funny cuz i was pregnant and i was rubbing some type of lotion on my belly. He wants to have children just as bad as i do and a small part of me knows its for the same reasons, he didnt have that happy home upbringing himself. It breaks my heart knowing this cuz not only cant i get this dream to become a reality for myself but im preventing it for someone im in love with just by being with him. Joel’s girl is pregnant again, she a good few months now and wendys pregnant, funny how shyt happens around u in life as u are going through ur own pain and issues. I never imagined when i was little that the hurt of my childhood would follow me to adulthood and i have absolutely no control over it, no say. I dedicate myself to these relationships for these reasons and it just might be all for no reason, i might never end up getting that regardless of what i do so my second thought and fear is, will i regret not enjoying the only true enjoyment imma have in my life which is youth. People, they grow old and getting married and accept dedicating themselves with the hopes of growing old with that person with children and grand children and that helps to accept or rather enjoy the passing years, well how do u get by without all of that? I’d rather endure this pain on my own then to put someone else through it. It’s almost like choosing someone to have a handicap with you for the rest of your lives, a life changing permanent handicap, by knowingly being with someone who wants children badly to stay with your difficult child bareing self. I could see the look in his face everytime he’s around jasmine and it breaks my heart. I just wanna know, when does it stop? when does the hard life of bad luck just stop for me? My biological mother gave me up for a VCR, she did crack while pregnant with me, my biological father was a druggy who ends up getting beaten to death for drugs when i was 3, the only father i knew as my father growing up as a child ends up getting locked up and put on death row for murder, i was malested as a child, my mother end up dieng when i was 19 before i ever get to meet her, i go through a divorce in my early 20′s and now i cant put all that in my past with starting my own family cuz i cant have one of my own that simple or maybe not at all. 3rd beer done, now time for piff. How do i still go on with out wanting to kill myself like most people would in my shoes? well maybe its that little bit of hope i have in the possibility of being able to have children one day. So my question is, how will i react in da moment i know i can never officially have children of my own? will i break down? will i continue to strive on in life for…..life? If not live on through what you leave behind in your offspring then what do u live on for? ok nick got home, bye.

Nicks Bday weekend summed up

ItzM3_Josephine — Tue, 07 Sep 2010 15:27:21 +0000

I treated him and me to a weekend at the Poconos Cove Haven Resort. A couples getaway spot for his bday which was definately not cheap! It was an attempt to celebrate his bday in a big way while giving us a chance to rekindle what’s been slippin away. Every nite i went to sleep and woke up there i was miserable. I tried in so many ways to spark that flame but. nothing. He made it so easy for us to just not rekindle anything. We did the hot tub wit champagne and candles and piff and he got tired and got out and went to bed. I put candles on the bed head board by the mirrors so we can have romance, he blew them out cuz it wasnt safe. I attempted for us to have risky sex in a public whirlpool and he was scared bout the people whom were payin us no mind and we didnt finish. I attempted for us to go watch Babyface playing live for romance and turns out he hates him cuz his exwife loved him, what dat gotta do wit us? no idea. The room we were in had a hott tub in the shape of a heart, a round sexy bed with mirrors surroundin it, a fire place wit a love seat next to it, a cathedral setting to the room, dim lights, we had champagne, piff, room service, dark velvet color scheme, etc. and still nothing. This is why we’re not pregnant, cuz in every attempt to make babies I failed. Although I really wasn’t going for a baby but jus romance and love making, didnt get that. There is nothing left to attempt, im done with talking, doing, crying, trying. I dont wanna have sex anymore with him, im not putting a set time frame but i REALLY dont want him to touch me, fuck me, make love to me, jus like the attempts i made this weendend dat resulted with- nothing. If we do have sex again sometime this month it wont be because of me. I just dont wanna get shot down anymore, im tired of my feelings getting hurt and me feeling stupid cuz i try and have sex with no luck. I feel like a caged bird. Its tuesday, da last time i had sex was 4 days ago and we jus got back from the trip two days ago smh. The worst feeling to feel when with someone is to be denied from them, all i wanna do is indulge in him because i love him so much and i cant cuz he denies me. I dont have no more to say, im done, im to tired for dis crap.

SuperWoman… ?

ItzM3_Josephine — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 18:05:35 +0000

Im getting back to that state of mind I have a hard time dealing with. My baby hating syndrome is back and im not really sure if it ever really truely left. Im back to not wanting to do anything, not my poetry, not cleaning, and i’ve been forcing myself to go work out for the past two weeks cuz i dont have the motivation for that either. It’s like i woke up one day and jus broke, like something was testing my strength, my will power, my dedication n…i failed. I got my sister a kitten day before yesterday and i was suppose to get one too but analee didnt do well wit it so no kitten but i know i only wanted it cuz im jus aching to nuture something tiny, to let my mother instincts play its role but the thing with dat is, im no mother and not sure if i ever will be. We did the whole dinner with nicks fam.; mom, steve, seth, josh, steph and jasmine. It was like dat one dinner before when i jus lost the baby all over again. Stephanie didnt bring a blanket for jasmine knowin we were gonna be in a cold restaurant, didnt bring a seat for her to eat in, nothing, n all i was thinking n my mind was..really? its moments like this dat im jus smh in silence n confusion to how da hell did this girl get blessed wit a baby n im here still wondering if i ever will? will i b dat much of a bad mother dat God refuses for me to have a child of my own? i have always stood by my rationality of losing the baby as it not being our time, ready for a baby, dats bullshit! so jose and andrea was? so josh n steph was? so lauren and david was? twice? how am i suppose to stand by that rationality? it dont make no sense to me! so i been telling myself to enjoy not having children but its like the more i try the more i cant. I been working out, trying to go out, meeting people, but i cant really live the…non mommy life being wit nick, i dont really feel like im living life with him, i have to hold back who i am. What am i suppose to be wanting then? what am i suppose to be doing in life? its like im too young to be a mother and should be enjoying life but theres no way of me doing that if im with nick, plain and simple. Im still not sure if nick is enough for me, i been back and forth with it for months now, waiting for a sign or preg. to lead me towards the right direction but nothing. so maybe us not getting preg. is cuz we jus not suppose to be right now? but what am i suppose to do? what if im wrong? he’s the man i want to grow old wit but the thing is im still very young and if all i have in life is to enjoy my youth then y am i in a serious relationship? Its like over and over again i keep going through heart ach, confusion, pain and nonstop tears, i want to cry all the time for no reason, jus to ease some of this pain. Does it ever end? i thought it did once, when i found out i was preg. it was like all pain, my past, my heart achs, my parents, everything jus did not matter anymore, all dat did was this little person growing inside me, this start of a new life, this new begining for me, for da future of my offspring, all was still in the world in perfection almost like the sudden stillness before the storm and the storm came and all of that was gone, replaced by yet another heart ach situation to add to the long list of my life and i think, y? hope and faith and prayers have been lost and im not sure if i can get them back. I liked having that feeling of ‘not’ wanting to be preg, lately but its gone now or so i think. My mind hurts in confusion, being torn apart back and forth. its like im forever being haunted by my demons and i jus cant shake them with no amount of working out, partying, meeting people or living life, the only thing that did was when i got pregnant. Im comepletely lost in life and i cant see to sign of a path towards anywhere, im jus here sucking up oxygen.I need to find myself cuz i been lost now for over a year. My problem is, I dont know what my heart wants and i forgot who i truely am..again, bcuz of a man. (sigh) smh.ok im done.